Looking up my Past

  I Remember a Time when I was scared of a lot of things.     My mother was usually alone, with my father working or traveling.     She was afraid of mice, afraid of thunder and lightning, afraid of dogs and cats and being alone.     My brother was like my dad, he didn’t fear stuff, but I did.     When we were in Virginia, I was afraid of storms, and mice and other Things.     My brother get would catch a mouse and take it outside, but really, the three of us were nervous and fearful.     Especially in Virginia, where we were usually alone, and we lived outside of town.     Whether we should have been, who knows?     But we were in a world where lots of animals, lots, of storms, lots of people were not close enough to help or aid us.   One time my brother had a mouse run over his chest, and that was when he was in High school.  Storms in Virginia knocked out the power, one time ruining th...

  When I think of these long-ago people or events, I realize all I have is memories that are unclear and incomplete.     But, for instance, in the case of Milton Grenbaum, I know he was important because my father never said a bad word about him.     My father revered him.     Who he really was is unknown by me.     I see him only through my father’s eyes.     The same with the Hills.     I know them only through my parents’ eyes.     I loved them because they were young and pretty and very carefully faithful to my parents’ opinion of them.     So, my memories are second hand, and makable.     Even my own memories are dependent on who I thought I was at the time, and who I am now.     They never entirely mesh.     What is memory?  It is unreliable, changeable and easy to distort.  I feel one way one day and another at a different time.  I am ch...

  I loved seeing my friends when they visited.     The Hills were friends from our two years in Alabama, and Zell adored Gary.     She was a redhead herself, and she wanted kids so badly.     Eventually I think she had a little redhaired boy herself, and she was so thrilled.     Bill and Zell were younger than us, but not by much.     They loved taking us places on the weekends.     Zell was very pretty with her long hair up in a bun, and Bill was equally adorable.     I can’t remember what they did for a living, but I know they lived nearby, and were easy to reach.     Boaz was a small town with not much going on to do.     When my parents could get a sitter, they would go out in Huntsville or some such place, and otherwise they did things on the weekends with The Hills and us. I I’ve never forgotten them, though I think they didn’t visit us after we went to San Mateo and then Virginia. To me...

  I remember my father’s first mentor at Levi’s.     it was Milton Grenbaum, and he was a sweet guy.     We all saw him a couple of times a year.     He was so friendly and so kind.     We didn’t like going there, but we knew it was an obligation we could not shirk.   My father got a lot of information from Milton, and he never forgot his advice.  If we were there, we had to eat frogs’ legs or Snails or whatever was on the menu.  I hated it all, but I think Gary grew up to love all that stuff.  I knew we were beholden to him and his wife.  What made Dad so attractive to my friend?  They may have had a deep understanding of each other.  I know my mother never questioned it.  My father needed mentoring, and he learned at the knee of Mr. Grenbaum.  What I missed, not knowing him better?  I’ll never know, because he never told.  But it was Importan...

  I remember my friend Joanna from Boulder.     We still write each other occasionally.     She was a real estate agent, and her husband was a playwright.     Their two girls are now grown, and both back in Boulder.     I never knew the younger one, and the older one was young. I met Joanna at the Boulder County Victim’s assistance Program at the D.A.’s office.     We both were helping with clients who were raped or abused.     We thought alike, and still do.     She manages now to live off her properties, and all four of them are doing great.     I wish I had lived by her and been able to have my kids in Boulder schools.     It might have made a difference.     What made us not see each other over the years?  One was my chaotic life, and, her girls were young, and she went to Playwrighting contests and stuff with Stu. I really see that connection as a missed opportunity fo...

  I remember taking a long look at my friend Jane’s life.     She was a pediatrician at my younger daughter’s medical group.     We met because her daughter and mine were friends and we saw each other through that venue and then as the girls were on the same soccer team and became friends, as they lived very near us, and Bill (her Bill) began commuting to chorus with my Bill.     A few years ago, they moved to Ashland, Oregon, but immediately Bill got lung cancer and they were stuck up there with Jane taking care of him. We visited him a few times up there.     After he died, she moved back to be near us, where she has remained.     She still wishes she had kept her former house, because she could not buy it back, but her present place suits her better anyway.     She survived breast cancer herself years ago, and I was one of her friends who was there for her, which is when we really became closer. Now she is in a monthly ...