Looking up my Past

 I Wish I could go back and redo my life, but that is never possible.  When Sadiq and Sandra left, I felt freed from the concern and care of an ex-husband.  I didn’t know any better.  I thought the kids and I could restart our lives, but that was not to be.  We moved to Colorado and the first thing was that I knew was it was a mistake.  Our house was too small and living out in the country was hard.  The street turned out to be a swift highway and many animals were lost and found there.  We made a big mistake in not finding a place in Boulder, but we thought we couldn’t do it, as we were going to live on very little money while we were in grad school and working.  But if we had, it might have been very different.  We had promised the kids a horse, and so we ended up near a conservative town and area instead of where we should have been, and it made our driving hard in winter.  The first year I worked for the Finance Department and the Board of Commissioners at the courthouse on the Boulder mall.  I loved the second job, but after I got into Grad school, I chose that over work.  

When I begin at grad school in creative writing, I had as much income, but a much better schedule.  But our three kids were still stuck in the Niwot schools.  The worst year was when Nathan was in kindergarten and I had a schedule that meant I needed to find a sitter in the afternoons, and only one person raised her hand. She was awful and we couldn’t find another place for him.  Later he told me she was mean to him, and I still regret it.  I was writing to Sadiq and we appreciated the cards, but there was no real contact.  Later I discovered How harmful this was to the kids.  There was no one quite their skin color and certainly not their background.  It took years for me to realize it, and when I did (they were 13 and 15) it was too late.  He was dead.  Ramiza was having trouble in school and Riyad was better situated but also out to lunch.  They did both enjoy horseback riding and They went to Austria on a two-week trip to participate in their orchestra when Ramiza was in junior high and Riyad a freshman in high school.  But it was not a good situation for them.  I couldn’t wait to get out of my two-year program and do something else.  But instead, I had a fourth child and joined a La Leche Toddler group and became mother full time until she was fifteen months old.

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