Looking up my Past

 I think one thing that changed me is I realized I wasn’t going to be focused on men in general, and no one like my husband.  I would never have another husband.  I was past that whole era of my life.  I got along with Bill, but he wasn’t my goal in life anymore.  I wanted women friends and that was about it.  I wasn’t encouraged by any males, even if I found them interesting, and I seldom did.

That freed me from my obsessions about men in general.  I wouldn’t dislike men, but I would never look to them again for encouragement.

My friends were women, and I had some of those who betrayed me, but only because I didn’t vet them well.  I had to learn to distrust women as well as men.  Not all, but just some.

I began with squabbles with Lin, then Joyce, then Despina, and finally Marilyn.  But I soon got the hang of it.  Quick friendships make lousy friends.  I began to stick to the people who, over time, would prove to be loyal.  I thus rallied when I fell out with a friend, and weathered the storm by concentrating on other, longer friends.  I honed my feelings of trust over time, instead of immediately.  Sharon became a better friend, and so did people from Berkeley.  I replaced others with new friends, and they, especially as time went on, proved invaluable to me.  I’m not saying I didn’t have some hard times, but I learned.  

This new emphasis on women left me free to teach and have women’s groups and do a ten-year Religions group with friends.  We had so much fun.  When it was over, at my choosing, I was thrilled and finished.  No left-over Issues about what we’d covered or didn’t.  We just had fun.

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